grace

you know; i haven't been quite right recently. the to-ing and fro-ing between things going well and things dragging along is becoming a stark difference. when things are good, praise happens all the time, combined with inspiration, joy, and reverence. when bad, i feel disconnected from everything thats going on, even with simple things. I kinda see things going a bit hey-wire when my self-discipline goes off track.

in fact, its probably self-discipline thats the problem...

to be only overcome when self-discipline actually becomes self-disowning. when my way of doing things becomes God's way, as I give myself to his plan, only to find that I'm being true to myself, true to who He has made me to be, true to my destiny, to the way I was meant to be. to be who God sees me, to do away with the tempory and to fix on the eternal, to lose myself for the hope of what is to come, to become last only to become closer, to be upside down only to find myself the right way up, to be who i really i instinctively know i should be, without knowing what that actually is. to do away with the masks. to do away with the copy, the replica, the photo-copy of the original, to do away with the fake but to embrace the vulnerably open and humble truth. in weakness he is strong, on the floor he picks me up, drowning and he breathes for me, falling and he catches me, trapped and he frees me, to be nothing yet find in him everything. to find true life only in Jesus.

its one of those lessons you have to learn time and time again, and put into daily practise.

Well, on that positive note for a monday, i think i'm learning the importance of getting this rhythmn of life thing going - to get a grasp on setting times of silence and prayer, for contemplation, for rest, for recreation as well as work. it seems simple, but busy-ness can so easily take over your thoughts in your silence, your words in your prayer, and your ideas in your contemplating...i need to forget myself regularly only to look on Jesus. and that is enough. more than enough. his grace, is sufficient.